I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
