I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
