Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
