why didn't you poke me back
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
