tonight lets celebrate not being married
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
