i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize