We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize