I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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