moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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