I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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