Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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