Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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