Just fell off a train. Bad.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
