I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
