you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
