I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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