today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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