I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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