Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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