If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
