Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
