I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
