walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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