you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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