I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
