My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
