the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The police scanner is talking about you again....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
