He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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