i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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