the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize