An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
