Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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