I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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