My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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