She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
