I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My cat gives me a boner
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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