plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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