I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
