My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
