Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
