Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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