Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
