hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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