Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
