I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
