Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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