I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
