the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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