you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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