i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I wish there were birth control emojis
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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