I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
