Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
