I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
