I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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