I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
