And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
