my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
