Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
